Saturday, December 4, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Grateful, Anger, Loneliness, Love from my boy...
This Sunday I walked in the Lupus Foundation's Walk for Lupus Fundraiser. Actually Chris & I walked together & I pushed Dante & Izzy in their double stroller. (My dumb butt forgot to switch out the stroller for the double jogging stroller in the van before I left for Jersey! WHAT A PAIN!!) Dante slept thru the whole walk & Izzy walked quite a distance & had her Daddy carry her on his shoulders for the last 5 minutes. She is such a trooper. Afterwards she asked me if us walking was making me feel better yet! I love her to death! I had a few friends who supported the cause by donating some money. Thank God for them. Chris & I are very grateful to them. We were a little disappointed @ the lack of response from friends & family but then again some people have no idea what Lupus is. Some others think it's not the big C (Cancer) so it's not a big deal & 1 particular person seems to think that certain people w/ Lupus brought it upon themselves because of the choices they made in their lives or lifestyles. That last one really stung when I heard it even though it was not directed @ me but to another family member who also has Lupus BY a family member who has known for years that I have Lupus too! Got to love it! I don't normally let things said by others bother me but lately I guess I've been a little sensitive! LOL! SO MANY things I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to tell certain people in my life but I'll be the better person & shut up. God don't like ugly!
I've always said I LOVE summer but I admit I really enjoy apple/pumpkin picking, the beautiful colors of the leaves changing in the Hudson Valley, pumpkin donuts from the farm the preschool apple picks @ & all the great clothing & shoe/boot styles of the fall! BUT this all of a sudden cold spell & rain is REALLY kicking my ass! In my house we are a family of 5. I keep that in mind all day & try so very hard to not complain about pain, get up to take Izzy to school w/ Dante wrapped around my hip & neck (his FAV spot btw!) I don't let the little ones see me cry or hear me say something hurts - I used to say my back hurts can you help Mami to Izzy & the little sweetheart started to use the line on me when she didn't want to do something!! I don't let JR see me cry but I will ask him for help SOMETIMES - I don't want to 1)bug him 2)make him feel like he has to put me first before what he needs/wants. Maybe I'm wrong but I remember being 9 thru 16 (when I moved out on my own) & having to take care of 2 younger kids all by myself 24/7 plus doing EVERYTHING my mother was supposed to be doing as a mother...& she wasn't sick!! I resented it. I hated it. I hated her. I hated my life. Even though I would never ever ask any of my kids anything close to that I still don't want to ever even come remotely close to it. I think I don't even ask Chris. W/ him I hate having to even ask. Somethings I feel I shouldn't even have to ask as they are common sense. If he can't see it or notice then oh well - eventually it will be his lose-NOT mine. Maybe I'm stubborn or being stupid. Maybe I'm scared or maybe I hate giving up control...NO I KNOW it's that I hate giving up control! & I don't like to have to beg! Sometimes I look around @ this messy house & I just want to grab a dumpster & dump it all in their. If we don't have stuff then it won't be messy! But then what will my kids play w/!?! It's not their fault their Mami can't keep up w/ it! I don't have friends over cause to me it's embarrassing! I used to run my mother's home like the Marines run their bases. EVERYTHING was put away, neatly, vacuumed, dusted, laundry twice a week, dinner every single night, ironing done every night...You could have eaten from the floor! Granted if it wasn't like that I'd get my ass kicked but that's another story for another day. The point is - I used to have the nice neat home I don't have now! I've been to many friends' homes & even though we all have kids in the same age range & their kids play w/ all their toys just like mine do it seems that even when I've just dropped by their things were neat & clean & some homes even smell of something fresh being baked!! I'm lucky if I make a bed now! LOL! Truth is I'm SO tired. I hurt more often than not lately. I drop & p/u Izzy & come straight home. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm SO tired. I'm SO tired of being tired. & now I've also managed to isolate myself - sometimes by choice, sometimes not. So now I find myself lonelier than ever before. I love my kids but I'm tired of talking about Webble Wobbles & the Upside Down Show! I have to admit one thing though - Jonathan has been coming to talk to me alot lately. Really weird! He told me he already had his 1st "girlfriend". (I knew but he doesn't know I knew!) & he actually invited me to go see that movie about Facebook! (I have to take him up on that!) He's been telling me about his friends & some of the dumb, silly stuff they do or think about...I just listen, smile & give him my advice w/o lecturing too much. The other day when we rode down to Jersey we played my old songs off my IPOD & sang the words together...it was great! I didn't want the ride to end cause we were talking & not arguing, he was actually confiding in his mother & because I was having a semi adult conversation that did not have ANYTHING to do w/ baby things or my aches & pains. My Jonathan loves his mother! & that my friends is one thing that has made my week!
BTW - Dante is still being stubborn & won't walk. He now "walks" w/ his hands & feet! Ever watch Stuie on Family Guy? When he calls his Mom? He says - Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, MA, MA, MAMA, MA...!!! That's Dante's new fav thing to do!
I've always said I LOVE summer but I admit I really enjoy apple/pumpkin picking, the beautiful colors of the leaves changing in the Hudson Valley, pumpkin donuts from the farm the preschool apple picks @ & all the great clothing & shoe/boot styles of the fall! BUT this all of a sudden cold spell & rain is REALLY kicking my ass! In my house we are a family of 5. I keep that in mind all day & try so very hard to not complain about pain, get up to take Izzy to school w/ Dante wrapped around my hip & neck (his FAV spot btw!) I don't let the little ones see me cry or hear me say something hurts - I used to say my back hurts can you help Mami to Izzy & the little sweetheart started to use the line on me when she didn't want to do something!! I don't let JR see me cry but I will ask him for help SOMETIMES - I don't want to 1)bug him 2)make him feel like he has to put me first before what he needs/wants. Maybe I'm wrong but I remember being 9 thru 16 (when I moved out on my own) & having to take care of 2 younger kids all by myself 24/7 plus doing EVERYTHING my mother was supposed to be doing as a mother...& she wasn't sick!! I resented it. I hated it. I hated her. I hated my life. Even though I would never ever ask any of my kids anything close to that I still don't want to ever even come remotely close to it. I think I don't even ask Chris. W/ him I hate having to even ask. Somethings I feel I shouldn't even have to ask as they are common sense. If he can't see it or notice then oh well - eventually it will be his lose-NOT mine. Maybe I'm stubborn or being stupid. Maybe I'm scared or maybe I hate giving up control...NO I KNOW it's that I hate giving up control! & I don't like to have to beg! Sometimes I look around @ this messy house & I just want to grab a dumpster & dump it all in their. If we don't have stuff then it won't be messy! But then what will my kids play w/!?! It's not their fault their Mami can't keep up w/ it! I don't have friends over cause to me it's embarrassing! I used to run my mother's home like the Marines run their bases. EVERYTHING was put away, neatly, vacuumed, dusted, laundry twice a week, dinner every single night, ironing done every night...You could have eaten from the floor! Granted if it wasn't like that I'd get my ass kicked but that's another story for another day. The point is - I used to have the nice neat home I don't have now! I've been to many friends' homes & even though we all have kids in the same age range & their kids play w/ all their toys just like mine do it seems that even when I've just dropped by their things were neat & clean & some homes even smell of something fresh being baked!! I'm lucky if I make a bed now! LOL! Truth is I'm SO tired. I hurt more often than not lately. I drop & p/u Izzy & come straight home. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm SO tired. I'm SO tired of being tired. & now I've also managed to isolate myself - sometimes by choice, sometimes not. So now I find myself lonelier than ever before. I love my kids but I'm tired of talking about Webble Wobbles & the Upside Down Show! I have to admit one thing though - Jonathan has been coming to talk to me alot lately. Really weird! He told me he already had his 1st "girlfriend". (I knew but he doesn't know I knew!) & he actually invited me to go see that movie about Facebook! (I have to take him up on that!) He's been telling me about his friends & some of the dumb, silly stuff they do or think about...I just listen, smile & give him my advice w/o lecturing too much. The other day when we rode down to Jersey we played my old songs off my IPOD & sang the words together...it was great! I didn't want the ride to end cause we were talking & not arguing, he was actually confiding in his mother & because I was having a semi adult conversation that did not have ANYTHING to do w/ baby things or my aches & pains. My Jonathan loves his mother! & that my friends is one thing that has made my week!
BTW - Dante is still being stubborn & won't walk. He now "walks" w/ his hands & feet! Ever watch Stuie on Family Guy? When he calls his Mom? He says - Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, MA, MA, MAMA, MA...!!! That's Dante's new fav thing to do!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
First steps! Sort of!
Dante took 1 1/2 steps today!!!! Of course when he saw me he laughed & dropped to the floor & hasn't done it again! I've been following him around all day trying to catch him w/ the video on my BB!!
I don't think I'll be rambling on & on today...This weather is kicking my ass! LOL! My hips hurt (especially the right one) & I can't stay in 1 position for too long. PLUS tomorrow morning is Izzy's Meet & Greet @ school! She already knows the teachers & most of the kids but she hasn't realized it's not the same classroom or teachers from last year. So off to school we go. Wednesday will be her official first day. She already has her outfit picked out!
Well off to bed I go!
I don't think I'll be rambling on & on today...This weather is kicking my ass! LOL! My hips hurt (especially the right one) & I can't stay in 1 position for too long. PLUS tomorrow morning is Izzy's Meet & Greet @ school! She already knows the teachers & most of the kids but she hasn't realized it's not the same classroom or teachers from last year. So off to school we go. Wednesday will be her official first day. She already has her outfit picked out!
Well off to bed I go!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
I'm BACK!
I can't believe I forgot my password for this blog! Am I to add memory loss to my issues! LOL! Don't worry - I changed my password to something I will NEVER forget!
I can't believe "summer" is over! Jonathan started school on the 2nd - 8th grade! On the 22nd he will turn 13 years old! A teenager! Isabella starts school on the 13th & then it will be just Dante & I. After the holidays I hope to start a Mommy & Me class w/ Dante. BTW my baby will be turning 1 on the 24th! Where did the time go? Where did my little baby that fit in the crock of my arm go? He's crawling all over the place & walking by holding on to things. He climbs on & off my bed & the 3 steps in & out of my kitchen. Today, after we (yes - Dante too!) ate pizza Dante wanted to kiss me...wet, sloppy, pizza breath BUT it was the best kisses ever! I love my husband w/ all my heart but his kisses are NOTHING compared to the kisses from my kids! I can be down in the dumps depressed or miserable in pain & 1 of them will come & plant a kiss on me & it's like heaven on earth! Who needs Prozac! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them!
So this summer has been pretty great. Lots of trips to Wawayanda, Bear Mountain, The Bronx Zoo, Jersey...local parks & MANY friends' BBQs & pool parties. Dante got his 1st taste of pool & ocean water & LOVED it. He's like a little fish just splashing away! He got a little taste of some sand which he didn't care for so much cause he never did again. Mulch on the other hand...must be the fiber in there! He's a little dare devil - not afraid of anything. He loves the swings & going down the slides @ the park, being tossed in the air by his Dad & swung around by his Uncle Carlos. He's a huge foodie. Sweet potatoe fries & regular french fries are some of his favs. He'll have a bowl of mashed potatoes, likes to eat corn on the cob, chicken, spaghetti, baked ziti, grape tomatoes, bananas & maduros. He apparently either likes or doesn't mind spicey foods as he's accidentally had buffalo wings or extra spicey General Tso chicken & smiled instead of cringing. He's so amazing! All my kids are amazing to me. But since he is my last baby I have been paying extra close attention to him, his querks & every little thing that is baby like about him. I am happy to see my kids grow but I am really going to miss them as babies!
Now that fall is around the corner I am looking foward to all that fall will bring. This does NOT mean that I'm looking foward to the cold weather - summer will always be my favorite - but I am looking foward to pumpkin picking, apple picking, dressing the little ones for Halloween, Disney, the fall dance, basketball & the cute boots & sweaters I'll get to wear. Most of all I'm looking foward to all the family time we'll get to spend together - especially around the fire pit!
I'll be back!! <3
I can't believe "summer" is over! Jonathan started school on the 2nd - 8th grade! On the 22nd he will turn 13 years old! A teenager! Isabella starts school on the 13th & then it will be just Dante & I. After the holidays I hope to start a Mommy & Me class w/ Dante. BTW my baby will be turning 1 on the 24th! Where did the time go? Where did my little baby that fit in the crock of my arm go? He's crawling all over the place & walking by holding on to things. He climbs on & off my bed & the 3 steps in & out of my kitchen. Today, after we (yes - Dante too!) ate pizza Dante wanted to kiss me...wet, sloppy, pizza breath BUT it was the best kisses ever! I love my husband w/ all my heart but his kisses are NOTHING compared to the kisses from my kids! I can be down in the dumps depressed or miserable in pain & 1 of them will come & plant a kiss on me & it's like heaven on earth! Who needs Prozac! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them!
So this summer has been pretty great. Lots of trips to Wawayanda, Bear Mountain, The Bronx Zoo, Jersey...local parks & MANY friends' BBQs & pool parties. Dante got his 1st taste of pool & ocean water & LOVED it. He's like a little fish just splashing away! He got a little taste of some sand which he didn't care for so much cause he never did again. Mulch on the other hand...must be the fiber in there! He's a little dare devil - not afraid of anything. He loves the swings & going down the slides @ the park, being tossed in the air by his Dad & swung around by his Uncle Carlos. He's a huge foodie. Sweet potatoe fries & regular french fries are some of his favs. He'll have a bowl of mashed potatoes, likes to eat corn on the cob, chicken, spaghetti, baked ziti, grape tomatoes, bananas & maduros. He apparently either likes or doesn't mind spicey foods as he's accidentally had buffalo wings or extra spicey General Tso chicken & smiled instead of cringing. He's so amazing! All my kids are amazing to me. But since he is my last baby I have been paying extra close attention to him, his querks & every little thing that is baby like about him. I am happy to see my kids grow but I am really going to miss them as babies!
Now that fall is around the corner I am looking foward to all that fall will bring. This does NOT mean that I'm looking foward to the cold weather - summer will always be my favorite - but I am looking foward to pumpkin picking, apple picking, dressing the little ones for Halloween, Disney, the fall dance, basketball & the cute boots & sweaters I'll get to wear. Most of all I'm looking foward to all the family time we'll get to spend together - especially around the fire pit!
I'll be back!! <3
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Today I didn't want to get up from bed. But I did. & I went for my new Tuesdays walk w/ a friend. & I got stuck carrying Dante on my chest on one of my 5 carriers. The one I tested thoroughly to insure minimal back pain. I was doing great...just some left shoulder pain after the hour plus walk. Even hit the new Price Choppers in Warwick for an excrutiating 2 1/2 hours...NOW 12 hours later I just want to roll up into a ball. My neck, back, left shoulder & any joint in the vicinity is a hot mess!! WTF!! I will not give up! So my hubby will be off the next 2 days & WE will go hit the trails (maybe Goshen as Chester isn't marked! NOT doing almost 3 miles one way/six round trip again!) EVEN my hands are killing me! Imagine if there weren't any computers & I had to write all this shit down! HAHAHA!! NOT HAPPENING!!
SO Lady Gaga's confused self is donating her necklace from her video, Poker Face, for auction to benefit the LPA! COOL! I say confused cause she claims to have borderline Lupus. NO SUCH THING girlfriend! Either you have it or you don't. It's probable that she does have it. It is not easy to diagnose. There is no one test for it. She may have misunderstood what she was told. Whatever. I hope she doesn't have it! If she does then it sucks. I hope she will be a positive voice for the LPA though! I mean come on - let's listen to Adela or Lady Gaga!?! LMAO! She's effin Lady Gaga for Pete's sake! So far she's going down the right path. So to Lady Gaga I say Thanks for bringing awareness. There aren't PSAs on it like there are for Parkinson, Cancer, Diabetes...etc.
OK so even typing is getting too painful so I'm gonna stop here...:( Plz keep reading! Love ya all!
SO Lady Gaga's confused self is donating her necklace from her video, Poker Face, for auction to benefit the LPA! COOL! I say confused cause she claims to have borderline Lupus. NO SUCH THING girlfriend! Either you have it or you don't. It's probable that she does have it. It is not easy to diagnose. There is no one test for it. She may have misunderstood what she was told. Whatever. I hope she doesn't have it! If she does then it sucks. I hope she will be a positive voice for the LPA though! I mean come on - let's listen to Adela or Lady Gaga!?! LMAO! She's effin Lady Gaga for Pete's sake! So far she's going down the right path. So to Lady Gaga I say Thanks for bringing awareness. There aren't PSAs on it like there are for Parkinson, Cancer, Diabetes...etc.
OK so even typing is getting too painful so I'm gonna stop here...:( Plz keep reading! Love ya all!
A little about me
Please bear with me! I'm so very new @ this blogging thing. I don't really know how to use these short cut words except for simple ones like LOL or OMG! I must drive my son nuts when I text him! LOL! SEE!!
Anyway - I'm doing this for 2 reasons. To put a face to Lupus - bring an awareness to it & to force myself to research it & try to make my life a little less painful & better with the info I find. For myself & for my hubby & for my 3 beautiful kids. Maybe someone else who also has Lupus will read all my craziness & laugh or feel better about their craziness!
I have been suffering from Lupus for quite some time now but was only officially diagnosed 3 years ago. It is affecting all my joints right now. Some mornings I can barely move or get out of bed cause I am SO stiff & it is very painful. Some mornings I'm ok & can jump right up but to tell you the truth - I HATE getting up early! I LOVE laying in bed w/ my 2 little ones - you all know JR is way to "GROWN UP" to lay in bed w/ his Mami! LOL! Once in a purple (NOT blue - purple!) moon JR will join us & especially if my dear hubby Chris is off & hanging around. He IS a morning person & has no issue w/ getting up early - just that he NEVER hears the baby wake up! LOL! Quite convenient don't you think! LOL! I LOVE Chris though! He is the most supportive person I have ever met. W/ Lupus you definitely need someone like that.
For now I'll keep this short! (Can you believe that! LOL!) Sometimes I will blog about the kids. Sometimes I'll blog about what I'm feeling. Sometimes I will blog about Lupus & what I know or am learning. Please bear with me. I don't claim to know it all but I want to help somehow to bring awareness to the disease. Please keep reading! Love ya all!
Anyway - I'm doing this for 2 reasons. To put a face to Lupus - bring an awareness to it & to force myself to research it & try to make my life a little less painful & better with the info I find. For myself & for my hubby & for my 3 beautiful kids. Maybe someone else who also has Lupus will read all my craziness & laugh or feel better about their craziness!
I have been suffering from Lupus for quite some time now but was only officially diagnosed 3 years ago. It is affecting all my joints right now. Some mornings I can barely move or get out of bed cause I am SO stiff & it is very painful. Some mornings I'm ok & can jump right up but to tell you the truth - I HATE getting up early! I LOVE laying in bed w/ my 2 little ones - you all know JR is way to "GROWN UP" to lay in bed w/ his Mami! LOL! Once in a purple (NOT blue - purple!) moon JR will join us & especially if my dear hubby Chris is off & hanging around. He IS a morning person & has no issue w/ getting up early - just that he NEVER hears the baby wake up! LOL! Quite convenient don't you think! LOL! I LOVE Chris though! He is the most supportive person I have ever met. W/ Lupus you definitely need someone like that.
For now I'll keep this short! (Can you believe that! LOL!) Sometimes I will blog about the kids. Sometimes I'll blog about what I'm feeling. Sometimes I will blog about Lupus & what I know or am learning. Please bear with me. I don't claim to know it all but I want to help somehow to bring awareness to the disease. Please keep reading! Love ya all!
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