This Sunday I walked in the Lupus Foundation's Walk for Lupus Fundraiser. Actually Chris & I walked together & I pushed Dante & Izzy in their double stroller. (My dumb butt forgot to switch out the stroller for the double jogging stroller in the van before I left for Jersey! WHAT A PAIN!!) Dante slept thru the whole walk & Izzy walked quite a distance & had her Daddy carry her on his shoulders for the last 5 minutes. She is such a trooper. Afterwards she asked me if us walking was making me feel better yet! I love her to death! I had a few friends who supported the cause by donating some money. Thank God for them. Chris & I are very grateful to them. We were a little disappointed @ the lack of response from friends & family but then again some people have no idea what Lupus is. Some others think it's not the big C (Cancer) so it's not a big deal & 1 particular person seems to think that certain people w/ Lupus brought it upon themselves because of the choices they made in their lives or lifestyles. That last one really stung when I heard it even though it was not directed @ me but to another family member who also has Lupus BY a family member who has known for years that I have Lupus too! Got to love it! I don't normally let things said by others bother me but lately I guess I've been a little sensitive! LOL! SO MANY things I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to tell certain people in my life but I'll be the better person & shut up. God don't like ugly!
I've always said I LOVE summer but I admit I really enjoy apple/pumpkin picking, the beautiful colors of the leaves changing in the Hudson Valley, pumpkin donuts from the farm the preschool apple picks @ & all the great clothing & shoe/boot styles of the fall! BUT this all of a sudden cold spell & rain is REALLY kicking my ass! In my house we are a family of 5. I keep that in mind all day & try so very hard to not complain about pain, get up to take Izzy to school w/ Dante wrapped around my hip & neck (his FAV spot btw!) I don't let the little ones see me cry or hear me say something hurts - I used to say my back hurts can you help Mami to Izzy & the little sweetheart started to use the line on me when she didn't want to do something!! I don't let JR see me cry but I will ask him for help SOMETIMES - I don't want to 1)bug him 2)make him feel like he has to put me first before what he needs/wants. Maybe I'm wrong but I remember being 9 thru 16 (when I moved out on my own) & having to take care of 2 younger kids all by myself 24/7 plus doing EVERYTHING my mother was supposed to be doing as a mother...& she wasn't sick!! I resented it. I hated it. I hated her. I hated my life. Even though I would never ever ask any of my kids anything close to that I still don't want to ever even come remotely close to it. I think I don't even ask Chris. W/ him I hate having to even ask. Somethings I feel I shouldn't even have to ask as they are common sense. If he can't see it or notice then oh well - eventually it will be his lose-NOT mine. Maybe I'm stubborn or being stupid. Maybe I'm scared or maybe I hate giving up control...NO I KNOW it's that I hate giving up control! & I don't like to have to beg! Sometimes I look around @ this messy house & I just want to grab a dumpster & dump it all in their. If we don't have stuff then it won't be messy! But then what will my kids play w/!?! It's not their fault their Mami can't keep up w/ it! I don't have friends over cause to me it's embarrassing! I used to run my mother's home like the Marines run their bases. EVERYTHING was put away, neatly, vacuumed, dusted, laundry twice a week, dinner every single night, ironing done every night...You could have eaten from the floor! Granted if it wasn't like that I'd get my ass kicked but that's another story for another day. The point is - I used to have the nice neat home I don't have now! I've been to many friends' homes & even though we all have kids in the same age range & their kids play w/ all their toys just like mine do it seems that even when I've just dropped by their things were neat & clean & some homes even smell of something fresh being baked!! I'm lucky if I make a bed now! LOL! Truth is I'm SO tired. I hurt more often than not lately. I drop & p/u Izzy & come straight home. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm SO tired. I'm SO tired of being tired. & now I've also managed to isolate myself - sometimes by choice, sometimes not. So now I find myself lonelier than ever before. I love my kids but I'm tired of talking about Webble Wobbles & the Upside Down Show! I have to admit one thing though - Jonathan has been coming to talk to me alot lately. Really weird! He told me he already had his 1st "girlfriend". (I knew but he doesn't know I knew!) & he actually invited me to go see that movie about Facebook! (I have to take him up on that!) He's been telling me about his friends & some of the dumb, silly stuff they do or think about...I just listen, smile & give him my advice w/o lecturing too much. The other day when we rode down to Jersey we played my old songs off my IPOD & sang the words together...it was great! I didn't want the ride to end cause we were talking & not arguing, he was actually confiding in his mother & because I was having a semi adult conversation that did not have ANYTHING to do w/ baby things or my aches & pains. My Jonathan loves his mother! & that my friends is one thing that has made my week!
BTW - Dante is still being stubborn & won't walk. He now "walks" w/ his hands & feet! Ever watch Stuie on Family Guy? When he calls his Mom? He says - Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, MA, MA, MAMA, MA...!!! That's Dante's new fav thing to do!
